Imaginary Conversations #003
The one about tai chi class.
‘Imaginary conversations’ may have come from actual conversations, or conversations that were overheard, or from one of the Group Chats, or from a conversation that might have happened, or from part of a conversation, or maybe from a combination of any of those. They might also be entirely made up.
(A phone is ringing)
(The phone is answered)
“Eyyyyyyy”
“…”
“Eyyyy eyyyy”
“…”
“What? Oh yeah, no I was going to tell you I’m not going to the Tai Chi class tonight.”
“…”
“I think I’m kind of banned from the Tai Chi class.”
“…”
“They didn’t actually say I was banned but probably best I don’t go, you know?”
“…”
“You’ll probably hear about it.”
“…”
“What did I do? It’s kind of embarrassing.”
“…”
“Yeah …”
“…”
“Okay. So, you know when you’re doing the warm down part at the end and you gather the qi from the air, and you gather it into a ball and then you push the qi down to your mantian?”
“…”
“Right, dantian, yes, your dantian. I’d been thinking about that from last time.”
“Shifu was explaining it again, and I asked, ‘What happens if you push it down further to the’ … and then it went all quiet and everyone was looking at me, and I stopped because you know—I knew I’d made a mistake but—”
“…”
“Well I’d started asking, and everyone was looking at me so I felt like I had to continue.”
“…”
“I didn’t want to say like ‘What if you push it down to the loins’, or like, the frank ‘n’ beans … the ol’ meat and two vege … ”
“…”
“—yeah, the family jewels … and I couldn’t just say the obvious like …”
“…”
“What do you mean the meat and potatoes, which part is the potatoes …”
“…”
“Ehhhh. Anyway, so what I said was ‘What happens if you push it down further to … the bozack’. And Shifu said ‘Bozack? What’s that?’”
“…”
“You know the song, right?”
“…”
“I think it’s Ice Cube.”
“…”
“Well there’s this part in it where he says ‘Bozack? What’s that?’ and then the other guys all shout ‘Dick and nutsack!’”
“…”
“No!”
“…”
“I wouldn’t say I shouted it. Was a little bit loud, maybe.”
“…”
“I couldn’t help it – you listen to the song a few times and it becomes instinctual.”
“…”
“Well, Shifu didn’t seem like he got angry. All that training—he’s obviously a master of his emotions. And they always say kungfu can only be used for defense, not attack, so—”
“…”
“He didn’t get angry. But the top apprentice – you know that guy? He asked me to step out the back and then gave me a hiding for insulting the honour of his master and of martial arts in general. Apparently that’s okay in the kungfu code. I suppose he’d say it was justified because he was defending the honour of his master and of martial arts in general. Seems like a bit of a loophole though.”
“…”
“It was actually kind of cool, you think tai chi is all slow and for old people but when they do it fast it kills.”
“…”
“What happened? I went down after taking a critical hit to the bozack, that’s what happened.”
“…”
“I was trying!”
“…”
“I didn’t learn that yet! It was only my second class, remember?”
“…”
“Absorbing critical hits to the bozack is probably for more advanced students, right?”
“…”
“Did you learn it?”
“…”
“See, you’ve been going for months and you don’t even know.”
“…”
“You might need it one day.”
“…”
“You know the worst thing, though.”
“…”
“Okay, not worse than taking a critical hit to the bozack. Second-worst thing, then.”
“…”
“I never got the answer.”
“…”
“The answer, like what happens if you like, accidently send the ball of qi down to the groinal area.”
“…”
“Yes, to the crotch, exactly.”
“…”
“No I’m not going to just try it, what if I do it wrong?”
“…”
“Dude, I already took a critical hit, what if it makes it worse?”
“…”
“That’s exactly why I asked, you know—what if. Must have happened by accident a few times at least. Maybe it’s mentioned in the ancient literature.”
“…”
“Why don’t you ask them tonight? Just don’t say bozack.”
“…”
“Come on-n-n-n-n-n-n.”
“…”
“You’re going to tell them you disowned me? No!”
“…”
“I thought we were mates.”
“…”
“Okay. Later. Let me know, okay?”
“…”
“Okay.”
Sponsor-presented message:
This post is brought to you by Bozack. What’s that?*
* It’s post-NWA/pre-movies Ice Cube i.e. explicit lyrics, parental guidance required, etc., etc.